Too Big

Last night I realized that my bed is too big. Now on the one hand, it's big enough for two people to sleep on it in relative comfort, there's not enough room to have a lot of space between you and someone else, but too much space is kinda my problem. (in more ways than one)

Another issue about my bed that I stumbled across last night was the fact that while I can stretch my legs out fairly well, I can't get my heels to reach both side of the bed at the same time. Just one of 'em with like, and inch to go with the other. A little engineering with the sheets and I can get my legs to stay open, but it puts some strain on my hand to keep tension on the sheets.

I bring all this up because last night I had the most delightful fantasy and it would've been so much more delightful if I'da had a slightly smaller bed. I've got a great imagination, but when I'm picturing being bound in front of a group of people, teased by my Master, legs spread wide so any interested person could watch in vivid detail when I finally came loud and soaking, it helps to not actually be able to close my legs.

They do that though, the one hooked in the sheets fought my hand the whole time. Like my legs are part of some anti-separation movement or something. I think it's a large part of why I have so many fantasies of having my legs tied open wide, because that's not the way they like to go on their own. Granted any kind of tied up, so long as it's at the mercy of my Master, is awesome. I know he'd never bind me in such a way that it would hurt or cause damage. I can't even guarantee that I could tie myself up without creating some kind of issue. I'd probably use the wrong knots, or tie too tightly, or too loosely to be effective.

Thinking about it though, my fantasies are starting to have a disturbing number of "other" people in them. Or video cameras... Honestly, I'm blaming it on Master, for better or worse. <3

Emotional - Trust

I've tried to write a post on Trust, I don't know how many times now. Every time I get most of the way through it I realize I'm not coming across exactly how I mean. Then again, maybe that's how it works. Trust isn't something that works the same for everyone. For some it's tied into Love, for others it's a separate feeling. I can care for and love people that I don't exactly trust, but the people that I trust, I love.

I might go out of my way to help a friend by giving them a ride somewhere, but with a few rare exceptions, I wouldn't just give my car to someone on loan. For every situation there is a different way that I react given what level someone is on with me. I'm pretty sure this is the way it is for a lot of people.

I tried visualizing it. If Trust was something I could hold in my hand, what would it look like? That's... actually pretty easy for me, but then again I sat down and thought about it for a long time. Trust looks like a glass ball to me, and only the first inch or so is solid. Inside the ball is a network of finely spun and woven glass. It's protected by the thick outer layer, and also helps to reinforce it. As time goes on more glass flows through the interior, until eventually the ball is solid, and practically unbreakable.

But it's still made out of glass. It can chip, and crack, and given the right set of circumstances even break. Shattered into a million pieces its still possible to fix, but it will never be the same flawless elegant bauble that it was before. I'm a forgiving person, there's many people that I can be trusting of that I've actually gotten scolded for even being polite to.

Despite all this, the biggest issue I ran into with trying to post this was deciding which was more important when it came to a D/s relationship. Trust, or Love. In a slightly circular logic it's easiest to say that it depends on the person. Sometimes these things are interwoven, sometimes they're given different levels of importance.

I think, however, that as far as D/s relationships are concerned Trust is most important. Love, as wonderful powerful and awesome as it is, isn't what's needed in those situations. Those that we love are in a position to hurt us the most. From the greatest joy of love can come the worst sorrows we ever feel in our lives. The risk is worth it, don't misunderstand me. But love is blind and emotional and out of control, while trust is perfect in its vision, often ruled by knowledge and cold logic, and tempered by restraint.

I would much rather someone I trust be in control of my fate if I am bound and unable to do much about it, than love. But perhaps I am a bit jaded, and have been hurt and am a bit distrustful of Love. Mm, no.

I love my Master. I trust my Master. If not for these things, I wouldn't call him my Master ^_^