Levels of Wet

I've noticed I tend to make a mess. From squirting to just plain old getting horny and wet. I'm sure certain things affect this, like hydration, teasing, time elapsed, etc.

What I don't get is how sometimes I can get really really wet and barely cum at all. Other times I can wonder what the hell's wrong why am I not getting turned on and that's when the mother of all orgasms hits.

Now, I'd just shrug it off as varying states of hydration, but I don't really change how much or how little I'm drinking on a day to day basis. I drink my big jug of water almost empty every day, and the days I don't I don't leave much in the silly thing at all. So it can't really be that big of a difference I wouldn't think.

Maybe there's really no direct connection between the two. Juices produced vs. amount of horniness felt. I'd say "This calls for experimentation!" But honestly, I'm in no real position to keep track of that sort of thing. 9 times out of 10 I kinda lose my head and roll right on into la-la land. And I Like la-la land, so I don't want to specifically drag myself out of it just to keep track of something like this.

Maybe it has something to do with how much or little penetration... though that can't be it. Unless dildos and cocks are juice absorbent and it just seems like I'm wet enough to be frothy before anything goes in and then nearly dry when things come out.

Again, "This calls for experimentation!"

Time vs. Inclination

I love to write, and I've got enough time to do at least a little bit of it every day. I go through these bouts though of not having the inclination. Now, sometimes there's just too much stuff on my mind, whether it be concerns about work, family, etc. Sometimes I just plain don't feel like writing (typing), and actually managing to do so becomes a huge pain in the ass.

The problem is I've got a LOT of writing I want to do. Completing my 3rd novel, working on starting a new series, short stories for her, etc etc. I don't know if I need to manage my time better, or if I need a stronger motivation. I've always been self-driven when it comes to writing, but this blog (one that has a posting schedule set by my Master) certainly sees a LOT more love than the one I have for my novels and the characters.

Does this mean I crave the kind of D/s relationship we have in the bedroom in other aspects as well? Would being told to write on certain days during certain times "or else" really be something that would spur on my abilities? Or would the natural ebb of how I write just end up causing writer's block in that time frame? Do I even have the right to expect my Master to take on such a responsibility for me, a full grown and fully capable adult?

I do know that my impending move has taken a lot of my mind-wandering Oh-I-should-write-that-down kind of creativeness away, but honestly moving from Ohio to Arizona is a big freakin' move. Being distracted by it is only natural.

Should a D/s relationship be totally inclusive though? Should I turn myself over to my Master that fully to begin with? I mean, nevermind I don't think he wants that kind of relationship anyway, but it makes my mind reel. I don't have a problem handing things over in the bedroom - so to speak - but when it comes to just about everything else, the road's equality, not subservience.

Either way, tomorrow I'm going to try to post about some of the fantasies I've been having lately. I don't know whether or not to blame Master or my own apparently repressed desires, but goodness more and more they've included complete strangers >.>

Grumble snap snarl

So, my memory sucks. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this at least a couple times before now. I even wrote down a small list of the highlights of what happened while Master was here visiting. I've ever intention of going over them at some point.

But, when he left at first I wasn't really down in the dumps, so much as I just didn't want to think about what had happened. I didn't want the memories to exacerbate the fact that I missed him so much. And then there's this week - where I'm on my period, grumbly, moody, and just in an all around crap ass mood.

However, it kind of works out, because out of the entire vacation there was one thing that was bugging me, and this is a good time to get it out of my system.

Anal.

I've done it before, years ago granted, and I've successfully gotten this delightful vibrating toy to go just about all the way in on my own many many times. But I swear every time we tried to do something while he was here it was woefully unsuccessful. Maybe it was the circumstance, or the mood at the time, given I'd always worked the toy in before getting worked up.

All the ifs, buts, maybes, and whatnots though, aren't really lessening the fact that it feels like I was reason for the "woeful" failures. At the same time though, a lot of that feeling and sentiment right now is just hormonal imbalance, and I'm sure it'll even out over another couple of days. I suppose I shouldn't complain though, if that's the only thing that went sour during the entire vacation then by all means it was a huge success, and of course Master doesn't blame me for a bit of it.

I just can't wait to move, I want the ups and downs of day to day life, not the ups and downs of getting to see someone for a week every 3-4 months. XD It'll certainly make blogging and such much easier to do on schedule.

Random Image

So, as I've mentioned before, a kind of rather unsurprising side effect of this relationship I have with my Master is that I can't really orgasm hard unless he's on the phone, or involved more directly.

I can still cum though, just not as well. And sometimes it's hard for even my imagination to hold onto the sound of his voice, the feel of his breath against my skin, all the little details that you can't always bring back into memory.

However, this morning was quite nice. I could almost not only see and feel him, but also see and hear other people involved. I could picture being bent over around a crowd, skirt hiked up, rotor taped to my clit and whirring away softly as he stepped around me. Speaking to me, to the audience, in the calm even paced voice of his, that low tone that just send shivers through me whenever it feels like it.

Teasing me, torturing me by alternating between pleasure and pain, bringing up to an edge and never giving me to okay to cum. Wet, addled, begging so much I've actually been gagged, he slowly begins to push a thick dildo into my pussy, all the while calmly explaining that I'm not allowed to cum until the toy is all the way in.

The push is slow. It takes a couple of minutes just to get the head of the dildo in, despite my moving and squirming, despite the wetness and the muffled begging my Master continues to push it in deliriously slow. Every precious inch is completely felt as the rotor against my sensitive clit keeps me on edge and practically forces my pussy to clamp down on the toy harder.

At the crowd's insistence, as my mind fogs from the haze of pleasure I'm struggling against, the toy is thrust the rest of the way inside, bringing the gasp and cry of pleasure as I cum, murmuring thanks to my empty bedroom and drifting happily off into sleep.

Misconceptions

I got a few books in the mail today. I'm going to cover at least two of them in a later post (after a break for some more in-depth reading), but flipping through them, and specifically reading the parts about safety, my mind started to wander.

I began to think about my initial concept of BDSM, how there were parts that were confusing to me, awkward, and just plain weird. I had an interest in the rope part of it, of being bound and controlled as much as I could trust someone to control me. The only concept of sub and Dom that I had any understanding of was a full-time one. The concept of scenes, equality outside said scenes, and even safewords weren't things I knew about. I believed that the pain had to be endured as a pay off to the inevitable orgasm.

Because of the taboo-ness of the subject and the overall "Woman power!" vibe that runs in my family, I was afraid to even admit I had these curiosities, nevermind actually getting books to look into them and learn more. I picked up bits and pieces of information as the internet became more mainstream (yes, I had my curiosity even before Teh Net!), and had a hard time separating fantasy from truth. After a few years I'd decided doms in general scared the shit out of me, but males less so than females.

About three or four, or five years ago I pretty much figured that bdsm was, itself, going to be nothing more than fantasy in my life and I should accept that and move on. The desire was there, so was the curiosity, and the ability to get incredibly horny just watching kink videos. But none of it was going to happen to me, so I didn't need to read into it anymore than I already had.

Of course, all that changed when I met my Master. I learned more about the concepts and lifestyles of a BDSM relationship. The variables, the many layers to it, the outside conceptions vs. the intimate conceptions. The differences between hurt and harm, between abuse and bdsm, between scenes and relationships. I learned more, and became more enamored with the concept of it all, in 2 weeks of conversation vs. YEARS of assumptions and theories.

I'm still learning, hell, I'll probably still be learning years from now. Honestly? That's one of the best parts in my opinion. The mind should never stop learning, growing, absorbing, theory crafting, debating, etc. Vanilla love is pretty simple - tab c into slot p to put it simply. There's nothing wrong with it either, it can be spontaneous, powerful, full of trust and love, just as much as a bdsm relationship can. There's just not as much variety. I've never walked into a vanilla house and noticed bolts on the ottoman, or bondage rings hiding as "decorations" on book shelves.

Even with some of the scenes I've experienced, the raw emotions, the "degrading" dirty talk, the mush-mind orgasms, I have to say, bdsm stimulates me more intellectually than any relationship I've ever had prior. The inventiveness of it, the fact that I don't have to hide all the devious twists and turns in my mind, it's stimulating, invigorating, freeing, and above all, it's beautiful. Being able to completely be myself, and STILL be accepted, being able to trust completely and relax under someone else's control, it overwhelms me sometimes and I cry. You know, those really heavy happy tears that still make people worry anyway XD

Want to understand BDSM a little better, while still getting to see some gratuitous bondage and smexiness? Check out This DA page. You won't be disappointed.

Mind Fuckery

I'm pretty sure my Master has a PhD. in Mind Fuckery. Before I go on my little rant/rave/whatever let me preface it all by saying this:

Best. Degree. Ever.

Okay, so now that we understand I love it, let's move on shall we? The conversation starts with "Well, that *WAS* the plan." (key word highlighted by me, you're welcome). And my reaction was pretty standard well, if that was the plan, I'd love it to continue being the plan, so I will volunteer to help the plan happen!

In this case the plan being buy books on rope work so as to spend some absolutely blissful time learning knots and ropework and me just generally getting to be bound. Awesome. Delicious.

Devious rat Master.

So I volunteer - I'll happily go by said books. "So glad you volunteered, pet." and then he proceeds to explain they'll be instructions. Oh... goody. For... for in public. Yeah, cause this doesn't make me nervous at all...

So for a couple days I'm pretty thoroughly convinced that I'm going to making a trip to my favorite book store stuffed full of vibrating toys trying desperately to both NOT cum, and not let any one within ear shot hear the vibes. It's not that I wouldn't do it - I had no intention of popping off with my safety word and calling the whole thing off. But... without Master actually -there-, well, eh. I wasn't looking forward to it, we'll say that.

And then earlier he has me on the phone, a test run he says. All vibed up, all shivering and changing the remotes as he instructs me to, listening to him describe how the events of the next day when I go to the store are going to unfold. The idea of it, his way with words, the feel of the vibrators, the desire of wanting to be watched, of wanting people to know what a slutty good little pet I am for my Master, all of it crashed together and I came.

A lot.

Hell, even Master lost count after some point.

And so there I am, exhausted, shaking, soaking wet, how I got onto my bed from having fell to my knees at the start I don't remember, and what does he say?? What comes out of that ever-loving wonderful mouth of his??

"Now that you've done all this tonight pet, there's no reason to worry about it tomorrow when you go to the book store." (Or something very similar to that).

Like I said, P-h-fucking-D in Mind Fuckery.

He's lucky I love him XD

(and he reminded me that he had in fact said he wouldn't have me do something like that without him around because of the safety issues, so derp on my part too ^^; )

I may have mentioned this before...

I don't get how a dom's mind works. I mean, I'm glad that it works the way it does, don't get me wrong, but I don't get it. Granted I'm a pretty through and through sub - I can write about a dom, I can make assumptions and go by personal experiences, etc. - but I just don't get it.

The feel of restraints, the lack of control, the swirling mixing conflicting sensations and emotions - *shivers* - I really really like this side of it. Master's desire to make me cum until he's pretty sure I'll be too exhausted to go again certainly doesn't hurt either.

But, well, I mean the only time I get pleasure from watching someone squirm/climax/struggle/beg is because my imagination takes over and I'm in that position. Working someone to that point just seems like so much work, and I'm entirely too lazy for that much effort. I guess, from my perspective, it feels like the dom does all the work to not only work me into a frenzy, but themselves as well. I won't lie, it makes me feel incredibly selfish sometimes, even though Master's insisted repeatedly that that isn't the case.

On the one hand, I feel bad for being selfish about it (even if it's a misconception on my part), on the other hand I've never really had anyone go to such lengths to make sure that by the end of it all I was enjoying myself. So I feel spoiled, in a manner, and I'm not sure what to think about that either. In the end I usually spend quite a bit of time trying to think of ways I can spoil him in return. I'm out of shape, I don't pretty up on  regular basis, and my wardrobe is mostly thrift store and walmart, and that's usually where my mind goes when I try to think of ways to return all the wonderful things he does for me.

Even as I think this way I know it's not things I should be worried about. He's the first person to not only tell me I'm beautiful, but also to make me actually feel beautiful. Kicking the social stigma I suppose is the hard part, 10 or more years of mental abuse probably aren't helping either.

Crumbs.

If I could just figure out how his mind works it'd be easier to spoil him. ... ... ... Hell, if I could figure out his mind works, I could figure out anyone's mind, and eventually I'd use my knowledge and new found skills to subtly and artfully take over the corporate world. While I wait for my Mentalist abilities to kick in I suppose I'll just have to settle with buying toys and outfits and just hope against hope that he gets as much pleasure out of them as I do out of him.

The End of a Year

2011 was kind of crazy for me. I probably dated more people from 2010 to 2011 than I had in the last 6 or so years. I was looking for something, and in all honesty it wasn't a bdsm relationship. I wanted to be in one of those, don't get me wrong. The desire, the need, the want, it was there, I just was sure it wasn't going to be something I'd find.

What I had been searching for was something different. I wanted someone that I could share my life with, someone who could accept me - faults and all - and still want to wake up besides me every morning. I wanted to kiss someone and actually feel the sensation run through my body. My life had turned into accepting things, settling for what was okay even though I yearned for something more.

Something better. Greater.

I didn't full realize what all it was I wanted to find, all I knew was that age, distance, appearances - those things were pretty low on my list. The best looking men I'd ever had in my life had hurt me deeply; mentally physically emotionally. We're talking ten or so years ago, so I suppose I can be forgiven for being a little shallow. In their defense I didn't know what *I* wanted anyway, so it didn't help things.

Now, I've found what I've been looking for. 30 years, well, we'll take some time off that, 16 years I've been looking for someone to complete me. I've felt awkward and lost and incapable of fitting in since I was 14, if not before then. I had fear and shame and was sure there was no one who would both understand me, and accept me.

My hope for the new year is that the wonderful way this year ended will carry over. I hope I can explain to people the things that make this relationship awesome, maybe help alleviate some misconceptions, and lift the veil on misunderstandings. I hope I can write, and work, and continue being able to walk and such, and most of all I hope I can spend the year (and many there after) next to my Master ^_^ Because I've spent time alone, I know I'm strong enough to spend my life alone if that's what I have to do.

Honestly though, it's nice knowing you've got someone willing to sit on the porch and sip lemonade while the sun sets. Admittedly, I'm scared out of my mind that I'll do something to screw the whole thing up (oh god you talk about being a bundle of nerves!), but I'm sure it'll be okay. I can spazz out and ramble at high speeds, and I'm sure the response most of the time is going to be a pat on the head and a cookie XD <3

Four Letter Words

Quite a while back I sent a text to my Master and told him I missed him. I started musing on that word, and how words that are only four letters can hold so much meaning and have such a small impact on a piece of paper. Or even to be spoken. I'd actually wrote down a lot of what I had thought at that time, but since misplaced the notes. Which is fine, the idea is still in my head, and writing it down a second time won't hurt.

I realize, there's a LOT of four letter words (I've used quite a few already, if you haven't noticed). But there's ones that just have such an impact.
Love
hate
help
evil
miss
hope
fear
hurt
harm
gone
here
ever
give
take

There's just so much to them, and they're words that can have many meanings too. From negative to positive, you can't really put them in one category or another. 'Evil' can be just as playful as anything, 'fear' can be an emotion used to enhance others - pleasure and pain both. Hurt and harm are pretty straight forward, but there's many ways to effect someone with either of those. Skinning my elbows hurts, feeling sad hurts my heart, getting snapped with the flog hurts, but all three of those are completely different kinds of hurt. And while I tend to see hurt as something reversible and harm as something that's not, most people tend to use those words interchangably.

You can give love, take love, hurt love, harm love, twist, beat, maim, and even break it. Love compels you to defense, protection, gives you a sense of self-worth and fear. It is, I think,  the single most powerful emotion. Those we love, we trust. They have the greatest ability to bring us the greatest of elation and the worst of sorrows. Libraries have entire floors dedicated to that one single emotion. Books upon books, from religious texts to sappy children's poems, the power of love invades them all. Billions of words written on the matter, and it's such a small almost inconsequential word.

Hate, sadly, is likely second only to the idea of love. It comes in as many levels and strengths as love, but unlike love it usually destroys the person consumed by it. There's no much outside assistance needed when it comes to this particular word. It's a very exhausting emotion too, I've always joked that I don't have the energy to hate anyone, and in my life I've probably dealt with people that I have the right to feel that way towards.

But all that stems from the simple fact that my Master isn't here now, and that's what I want more than anything. As an adult I understand that I need to wait for certain things to happen before I can have what I want. As a woman in love I understand that I need to wait for certain things to happen before I can have what I need. As an increasingly saddened love struck fool I'm thinking I should get a second job to move things along a little faster XD

Musing (Rambling)

So I have this tendency to just kind of sit and sigh and think about the relationship I'm in. (happy sigh! Happy siiiigh!). And I just really get to thinking about certain aspects of it, how it works, how it hasn't worked for me in the past, etc. (Oh hey, look my grammar doesn't care today... starting sentences with and...).

I realize as I get ready to write this, how weird it's going to sound, but I used to be the one in charge in a relationship. I didn't have to, you know, initiate sex - that's not what I mean. I mean I had to be the responsible one. Which wouldn't have been so bad, if I hadn't been the ONLY responsible one. I worked two jobs sometimes, lived off of rice for a month at a time, just to make sure that the rent and other such bills were paid. It wasn't fun, and it most likely was what led to a lot of my past breakups.

My current relationship is a lot more balanced. When my mind's mush and I can't really take on anything more, he's there to give me strength - and the opposite's true. This is proven already. But it gets me to thinking about things I don't really feel I need to come to a conclusion to - I just let my mind wander over 'em.

Like, does BDSM lend itself more to a kind of natural relationship balance? Is the extra open-ness, trust, and communication that's needed between a Dom and a sub something that simply makes it easier to have a healthy relationship outside scenes? Or is a relationship between two people who share a love of bdsm just as hit or miss as a vanilla relationship? I'd assume there's people out there (well, Doms specifically, since this is my point of view after all), that don't listen for crap. They do what they want and don't really respect and/or respond to their partner's needs or wants. Then you have something that's more abusive than anything else.

From what I've experienced of the Kink community however, there's some pretty open lines of communication amongst everyone. If you can talk to someone about the things that crop up mid-scene or shortly after - or even talking to people about fantasties you'd like to see come true, then I would imagine that it's easier to reach out to someone and get help.

But talking about kink isn't like talking about abuse. It's not easy. It's a shameful thing and it's really hard to talk about. A lot of time's the person being abused thinks they deserve it, or that it's not abuse, that it's the way a normal relationship is. And I'm sure there's people out there who think a bdsm relationship IS abuse, and complaining about it would be laughable.

If it feels like abuse though, it's Not bdsm. It's abuse. There's a damned bloody difference. I've been through both. Abuse made me feel small and worthless and alone. I wanted to die, to just get away from the supposed pain I had to be causing everyone else. It was horrible.

The relationship I have now is so much the opposite of that I don't even know where to begin. My Master makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful specialist perfectest person in the whole world! \o/ It's hard to try and describe it without making up words ^_^

Emotional - Trust

I've tried to write a post on Trust, I don't know how many times now. Every time I get most of the way through it I realize I'm not coming across exactly how I mean. Then again, maybe that's how it works. Trust isn't something that works the same for everyone. For some it's tied into Love, for others it's a separate feeling. I can care for and love people that I don't exactly trust, but the people that I trust, I love.

I might go out of my way to help a friend by giving them a ride somewhere, but with a few rare exceptions, I wouldn't just give my car to someone on loan. For every situation there is a different way that I react given what level someone is on with me. I'm pretty sure this is the way it is for a lot of people.

I tried visualizing it. If Trust was something I could hold in my hand, what would it look like? That's... actually pretty easy for me, but then again I sat down and thought about it for a long time. Trust looks like a glass ball to me, and only the first inch or so is solid. Inside the ball is a network of finely spun and woven glass. It's protected by the thick outer layer, and also helps to reinforce it. As time goes on more glass flows through the interior, until eventually the ball is solid, and practically unbreakable.

But it's still made out of glass. It can chip, and crack, and given the right set of circumstances even break. Shattered into a million pieces its still possible to fix, but it will never be the same flawless elegant bauble that it was before. I'm a forgiving person, there's many people that I can be trusting of that I've actually gotten scolded for even being polite to.

Despite all this, the biggest issue I ran into with trying to post this was deciding which was more important when it came to a D/s relationship. Trust, or Love. In a slightly circular logic it's easiest to say that it depends on the person. Sometimes these things are interwoven, sometimes they're given different levels of importance.

I think, however, that as far as D/s relationships are concerned Trust is most important. Love, as wonderful powerful and awesome as it is, isn't what's needed in those situations. Those that we love are in a position to hurt us the most. From the greatest joy of love can come the worst sorrows we ever feel in our lives. The risk is worth it, don't misunderstand me. But love is blind and emotional and out of control, while trust is perfect in its vision, often ruled by knowledge and cold logic, and tempered by restraint.

I would much rather someone I trust be in control of my fate if I am bound and unable to do much about it, than love. But perhaps I am a bit jaded, and have been hurt and am a bit distrustful of Love. Mm, no.

I love my Master. I trust my Master. If not for these things, I wouldn't call him my Master ^_^

Tangled (Ramblings)

I am not poly-amorous. Or, at the very least, I don't think I am. I can care about many people in a strong capacity, but there is always one that will be most important to me. I suppose, the best way to start this off, is that is simply just the way that I am.

My Master has consumed my thoughts from long before I even said anything to him. His voice, his opinions, his sense of humor, and even the way he interacted with other people. There was something about him that drew me to him. Taken as I was at the time, I did my best to ignore the feelings that were building inside me. I tried to tell myself that it was foolish to be enamored with someone else even if I wasn't completely happy where I was. The more I got to know him, however, the stronger the pull. I found myself looking forward to him signing on, I wanted to be a part of all the things he did - just to hear his voice for a moment longer.

One day, quite out of the blue, it struck me - I had fallen in love with him.

The details, I suppose, aren't terribly important. The feeling is, or rather, the feelings are what's important. The circumstances are irrelevant, the locations are pointless, the truth is simple - I want to be by his side. Whether it be in a homeless shelter, or a mansion. Whether it's as his equal or his possession; alone or part of a harem - I do not care.

Perhaps such thoughts are foolish - maybe in the end I will only be hurt proportinate to the amount I feel toward him right now.

Yet, even so, the risk is worth it. I'm happy, and afraid. Curious, and worried. I yearn, and dream, and sometimes I worry my heart might just burst with every word that is spoken. Even the silence that lingers between us has a strength to it. I wonder if I ever loved before now, worry if I'll never love this strongly again - and hope that I never need worry.

More accurately, my understanding of love has changed. I know my position, I know his, and I don't know what I expect. I don't know how I'll react - will I become jealous when the facts linger in front of my eyes? Am I so shallow that my words and resolutions will crumble when push comes to shove? Will I dive into a BDSM lifestyle only to find that I hate it? These fears sit in the back of my mind, relentless. Indismissable. Perhaps only time will answer them, but I know the outcome I hope for - the one I will fight for.

Win or lose, the risk is, however, worth it.

To me, at least ^_^