Time vs. Inclination

I love to write, and I've got enough time to do at least a little bit of it every day. I go through these bouts though of not having the inclination. Now, sometimes there's just too much stuff on my mind, whether it be concerns about work, family, etc. Sometimes I just plain don't feel like writing (typing), and actually managing to do so becomes a huge pain in the ass.

The problem is I've got a LOT of writing I want to do. Completing my 3rd novel, working on starting a new series, short stories for her, etc etc. I don't know if I need to manage my time better, or if I need a stronger motivation. I've always been self-driven when it comes to writing, but this blog (one that has a posting schedule set by my Master) certainly sees a LOT more love than the one I have for my novels and the characters.

Does this mean I crave the kind of D/s relationship we have in the bedroom in other aspects as well? Would being told to write on certain days during certain times "or else" really be something that would spur on my abilities? Or would the natural ebb of how I write just end up causing writer's block in that time frame? Do I even have the right to expect my Master to take on such a responsibility for me, a full grown and fully capable adult?

I do know that my impending move has taken a lot of my mind-wandering Oh-I-should-write-that-down kind of creativeness away, but honestly moving from Ohio to Arizona is a big freakin' move. Being distracted by it is only natural.

Should a D/s relationship be totally inclusive though? Should I turn myself over to my Master that fully to begin with? I mean, nevermind I don't think he wants that kind of relationship anyway, but it makes my mind reel. I don't have a problem handing things over in the bedroom - so to speak - but when it comes to just about everything else, the road's equality, not subservience.

Either way, tomorrow I'm going to try to post about some of the fantasies I've been having lately. I don't know whether or not to blame Master or my own apparently repressed desires, but goodness more and more they've included complete strangers >.>

A week's time

It's much harder to separate the events of an entire week's vacation than it was to keep track of an extended weekend stay. The really important part? Best Vacation so far <3

The close second? I got to wear my collar.

I don't think I could describe to someone who doesn't get bdsm how incredible of a feeling it was. Words kind of failed me even when Master put it on me. Face to face, naked but for some cuffs (I think), I don't remember even managing a thank you. I was too afraid to talk, worried my voice would crack, afraid the sound would open the gates of emotion and I'd just start crying right there.

It's beautiful. Light blue and white leather, with a nice soft interior and three rings on it.

Part of me wanted to cry, it was an item I'd craved for years, something I wanted to not only earn, but receive from someone that I could call my Master. Someone who had enough of my respect, trust, and heart to not just demand any such title, but wait for me to want to use it.

Another part of me didn't want to take it off. I wanted to be able to wear it constantly. I wanted the whole world to see, and for those in the know to know. I can't say 100% that I have the guts to actually wear it in front of my family, decidedly vanilla that they are, but I doubt I would've argued the point.

I've fantasized about this lifestyle for years. Easily since I was 19, if not before then. Now that I'm in it, now that I'm learning more and more about the complexities, the layers, the mental vs. physical vs. emotional - I'm so fulfilled and happy that I don't care to keep it a secret.

At the same time it's something intimate. Between two people, a bond in more than just the physical.

*wanders off with a happy little sigh*  It was a good week, and I'll get into it more later.

Belated birthday

So for Master's birthday I had gotten together a little outfit. Kind of a cartoony looking sailor outfit, minus the godawful ugly hat. I'd meant for some boots to go with it, but the long leather knee highs don't fit my thicker calves, so I just went with a wide diamond net body stocking instead.

It was for him to do with it all as he pleased. Destroy it, preserve it, stain or mare it - It was all in his hands because that too was part of the birthday gift.

When I'd finished putting it on I hadn't expected to come out from the bathroom and find him sitting - almost villain-like in one of the chairs, facing my entrance, one leg lazily crossed over the other. I explained the perks of the gift, and walked over to him, certainly not needing to be beckoned into my Master's parlor at this point.

What happened next was completely unexpected. There were no flogs, no cuffs, no rope, no toys even. Just the ridiculously gentle touch of Master's hands sliding over my body. And not even sliding over the most sensitive places I have! The bodystocking worked against me as his fingers slipped over the well-fitting threads, the feel of the gentle touch had me wet and weak before his fingers even began to slip through my hair.

He ignored my breasts, pointedly ignored my clit and most of the area surrounding it. His demands came surprisingly as the edge of orgasm rushed up on me and his command to cum brought the desired reaction. I wasn't thinking, I wasn't in control, I was already lost in a shivery haze of gentle pleasure. I didn't even register the actual orgasm myself until his fantastic purr of "good girl" slipped into my ear.

Again and again, struggling to stand, wanting him to stop the teasing, being on the verge of begging for mercy, he would command that I cum. Every time he demanded it my body obeyed, even as I shuddered in disbelieving pleasure. The orgasms weren't earth-shattering, they weren't causing me to squirt or anything like that, but dammit they felt good <3 And I was certainly becoming a shivering wet, dripping mess by the 3rd or 4th one.

I don't remember just how many it took to bring me to my knees, but I know it happened. Then it was towards the bed we went. I remember the pictures, mostly because a day or so later I flipped through them on Master's camera. I remember being so wet that even while on my hands and knees on the bed he barely had to touch me to be able to show me just how dripping wet I was. And still he hadn't ran his incredible touch over the places I wanted it so badly.

I was his happy delirious and soaking wet whore. His pet, his toy, and dammit was he ever good at playing with me.

His cock has always felt good, awesome, the perfect size to fill me up, never hurting or ruining the pleasures. It filled me slowly, his voice calm and steady, words barely understood, mostly the understanding was from the tone, the inflection, those few full words that actually made it into my head. Every now and again even those failed me, and I think I had to ask him to repeat himself once or twice, I was just too far gone.

Too far gone and still he hadn't stroked my clit, pinched my nipples or even pushed into my sopping needy pussy entirely. He stretched things out delightfully, filled me and covered me with his wonderful cum. And by the end of everything I'm pretty sure I came 7 or 8 times easily. If not closer to a dozen.

Master enjoyed his birthday present, even if it was a little late in coming, and I certainly enjoyed the fact that he enjoyed it. ^_^ Much snuggling and liquids afterward, a good cleaning (albeit kind of cold since he didn't want me to fall asleep until I'd had a chance to wind down good enough), and I slept like a rock. I don't think he had a hard time falling asleep either.

But! More about the vacation later, for now I want to spend the last 24 hours I have with him, you know, actually with him, so I'll write more on the other scenes later. <3

Misconceptions

I got a few books in the mail today. I'm going to cover at least two of them in a later post (after a break for some more in-depth reading), but flipping through them, and specifically reading the parts about safety, my mind started to wander.

I began to think about my initial concept of BDSM, how there were parts that were confusing to me, awkward, and just plain weird. I had an interest in the rope part of it, of being bound and controlled as much as I could trust someone to control me. The only concept of sub and Dom that I had any understanding of was a full-time one. The concept of scenes, equality outside said scenes, and even safewords weren't things I knew about. I believed that the pain had to be endured as a pay off to the inevitable orgasm.

Because of the taboo-ness of the subject and the overall "Woman power!" vibe that runs in my family, I was afraid to even admit I had these curiosities, nevermind actually getting books to look into them and learn more. I picked up bits and pieces of information as the internet became more mainstream (yes, I had my curiosity even before Teh Net!), and had a hard time separating fantasy from truth. After a few years I'd decided doms in general scared the shit out of me, but males less so than females.

About three or four, or five years ago I pretty much figured that bdsm was, itself, going to be nothing more than fantasy in my life and I should accept that and move on. The desire was there, so was the curiosity, and the ability to get incredibly horny just watching kink videos. But none of it was going to happen to me, so I didn't need to read into it anymore than I already had.

Of course, all that changed when I met my Master. I learned more about the concepts and lifestyles of a BDSM relationship. The variables, the many layers to it, the outside conceptions vs. the intimate conceptions. The differences between hurt and harm, between abuse and bdsm, between scenes and relationships. I learned more, and became more enamored with the concept of it all, in 2 weeks of conversation vs. YEARS of assumptions and theories.

I'm still learning, hell, I'll probably still be learning years from now. Honestly? That's one of the best parts in my opinion. The mind should never stop learning, growing, absorbing, theory crafting, debating, etc. Vanilla love is pretty simple - tab c into slot p to put it simply. There's nothing wrong with it either, it can be spontaneous, powerful, full of trust and love, just as much as a bdsm relationship can. There's just not as much variety. I've never walked into a vanilla house and noticed bolts on the ottoman, or bondage rings hiding as "decorations" on book shelves.

Even with some of the scenes I've experienced, the raw emotions, the "degrading" dirty talk, the mush-mind orgasms, I have to say, bdsm stimulates me more intellectually than any relationship I've ever had prior. The inventiveness of it, the fact that I don't have to hide all the devious twists and turns in my mind, it's stimulating, invigorating, freeing, and above all, it's beautiful. Being able to completely be myself, and STILL be accepted, being able to trust completely and relax under someone else's control, it overwhelms me sometimes and I cry. You know, those really heavy happy tears that still make people worry anyway XD

Want to understand BDSM a little better, while still getting to see some gratuitous bondage and smexiness? Check out This DA page. You won't be disappointed.

I may have mentioned this before...

I don't get how a dom's mind works. I mean, I'm glad that it works the way it does, don't get me wrong, but I don't get it. Granted I'm a pretty through and through sub - I can write about a dom, I can make assumptions and go by personal experiences, etc. - but I just don't get it.

The feel of restraints, the lack of control, the swirling mixing conflicting sensations and emotions - *shivers* - I really really like this side of it. Master's desire to make me cum until he's pretty sure I'll be too exhausted to go again certainly doesn't hurt either.

But, well, I mean the only time I get pleasure from watching someone squirm/climax/struggle/beg is because my imagination takes over and I'm in that position. Working someone to that point just seems like so much work, and I'm entirely too lazy for that much effort. I guess, from my perspective, it feels like the dom does all the work to not only work me into a frenzy, but themselves as well. I won't lie, it makes me feel incredibly selfish sometimes, even though Master's insisted repeatedly that that isn't the case.

On the one hand, I feel bad for being selfish about it (even if it's a misconception on my part), on the other hand I've never really had anyone go to such lengths to make sure that by the end of it all I was enjoying myself. So I feel spoiled, in a manner, and I'm not sure what to think about that either. In the end I usually spend quite a bit of time trying to think of ways I can spoil him in return. I'm out of shape, I don't pretty up on  regular basis, and my wardrobe is mostly thrift store and walmart, and that's usually where my mind goes when I try to think of ways to return all the wonderful things he does for me.

Even as I think this way I know it's not things I should be worried about. He's the first person to not only tell me I'm beautiful, but also to make me actually feel beautiful. Kicking the social stigma I suppose is the hard part, 10 or more years of mental abuse probably aren't helping either.

Crumbs.

If I could just figure out how his mind works it'd be easier to spoil him. ... ... ... Hell, if I could figure out his mind works, I could figure out anyone's mind, and eventually I'd use my knowledge and new found skills to subtly and artfully take over the corporate world. While I wait for my Mentalist abilities to kick in I suppose I'll just have to settle with buying toys and outfits and just hope against hope that he gets as much pleasure out of them as I do out of him.

The End of a Year

2011 was kind of crazy for me. I probably dated more people from 2010 to 2011 than I had in the last 6 or so years. I was looking for something, and in all honesty it wasn't a bdsm relationship. I wanted to be in one of those, don't get me wrong. The desire, the need, the want, it was there, I just was sure it wasn't going to be something I'd find.

What I had been searching for was something different. I wanted someone that I could share my life with, someone who could accept me - faults and all - and still want to wake up besides me every morning. I wanted to kiss someone and actually feel the sensation run through my body. My life had turned into accepting things, settling for what was okay even though I yearned for something more.

Something better. Greater.

I didn't full realize what all it was I wanted to find, all I knew was that age, distance, appearances - those things were pretty low on my list. The best looking men I'd ever had in my life had hurt me deeply; mentally physically emotionally. We're talking ten or so years ago, so I suppose I can be forgiven for being a little shallow. In their defense I didn't know what *I* wanted anyway, so it didn't help things.

Now, I've found what I've been looking for. 30 years, well, we'll take some time off that, 16 years I've been looking for someone to complete me. I've felt awkward and lost and incapable of fitting in since I was 14, if not before then. I had fear and shame and was sure there was no one who would both understand me, and accept me.

My hope for the new year is that the wonderful way this year ended will carry over. I hope I can explain to people the things that make this relationship awesome, maybe help alleviate some misconceptions, and lift the veil on misunderstandings. I hope I can write, and work, and continue being able to walk and such, and most of all I hope I can spend the year (and many there after) next to my Master ^_^ Because I've spent time alone, I know I'm strong enough to spend my life alone if that's what I have to do.

Honestly though, it's nice knowing you've got someone willing to sit on the porch and sip lemonade while the sun sets. Admittedly, I'm scared out of my mind that I'll do something to screw the whole thing up (oh god you talk about being a bundle of nerves!), but I'm sure it'll be okay. I can spazz out and ramble at high speeds, and I'm sure the response most of the time is going to be a pat on the head and a cookie XD <3

Four Letter Words

Quite a while back I sent a text to my Master and told him I missed him. I started musing on that word, and how words that are only four letters can hold so much meaning and have such a small impact on a piece of paper. Or even to be spoken. I'd actually wrote down a lot of what I had thought at that time, but since misplaced the notes. Which is fine, the idea is still in my head, and writing it down a second time won't hurt.

I realize, there's a LOT of four letter words (I've used quite a few already, if you haven't noticed). But there's ones that just have such an impact.
Love
hate
help
evil
miss
hope
fear
hurt
harm
gone
here
ever
give
take

There's just so much to them, and they're words that can have many meanings too. From negative to positive, you can't really put them in one category or another. 'Evil' can be just as playful as anything, 'fear' can be an emotion used to enhance others - pleasure and pain both. Hurt and harm are pretty straight forward, but there's many ways to effect someone with either of those. Skinning my elbows hurts, feeling sad hurts my heart, getting snapped with the flog hurts, but all three of those are completely different kinds of hurt. And while I tend to see hurt as something reversible and harm as something that's not, most people tend to use those words interchangably.

You can give love, take love, hurt love, harm love, twist, beat, maim, and even break it. Love compels you to defense, protection, gives you a sense of self-worth and fear. It is, I think,  the single most powerful emotion. Those we love, we trust. They have the greatest ability to bring us the greatest of elation and the worst of sorrows. Libraries have entire floors dedicated to that one single emotion. Books upon books, from religious texts to sappy children's poems, the power of love invades them all. Billions of words written on the matter, and it's such a small almost inconsequential word.

Hate, sadly, is likely second only to the idea of love. It comes in as many levels and strengths as love, but unlike love it usually destroys the person consumed by it. There's no much outside assistance needed when it comes to this particular word. It's a very exhausting emotion too, I've always joked that I don't have the energy to hate anyone, and in my life I've probably dealt with people that I have the right to feel that way towards.

But all that stems from the simple fact that my Master isn't here now, and that's what I want more than anything. As an adult I understand that I need to wait for certain things to happen before I can have what I want. As a woman in love I understand that I need to wait for certain things to happen before I can have what I need. As an increasingly saddened love struck fool I'm thinking I should get a second job to move things along a little faster XD

Quietly

The last couple times Master's let me cum lately has been during times when I kind of need to be quiet. Specifically because they are other people in the house, and while I'm an adult and I'm allowed to be naughty, it's not something I'm quite ready to advertise to the entire world.

It certainly adds a layer to things though, so wet so squirmy so horny and trying so desperately to not scream my happy little head off when the wave crests and my whole body enjoys the ride. Of course, Master doesn't let me cum just once, oh no, that would be too easy, wouldn't it?

For anyone curious, my house coat tastes like laundry soap. Just saying.

Even as I sit here and write this, letting my mind wander to what it can remember of the last two over the phone sessions we had, I can't help but squirm. Certain desires, certain wants, are starting to beat down the walls of my own personal insecurities. Less and less in my own fantasies do I seem to care about my own personal appearance. How I look on the outside doesn't impact my interior desires. It certainly doesn't impact the overall sensations of a scene either. The only thing my weight holds me back on are certain positions, because an over-weight sub isn't an easy one to pick up and move around as one pleases.

This will be rectified.

It used to not only be an issue when it came to what was actually physically possible, but also with what I was comfortable wearing/doing in public settings. As the days pass I find myself caring less and less about my appearance In That Regard. It's not that I mean I've stopped showering or shaving or things like that, it's more it's becoming less of an issue. So I'm over weight. Whoopie do. It used to make me feel... less, or ugly, but lately it's less well, weighty on my mind. I'm more curious the feelings and emotions that come along with being in certain, shall we say, showier situations.

Besides, the orgasm - while absolutely incredible - is just the icing on the cake. Everything else - the scene the sensations, the emotions, the connection - all that stuff's the cake. Cake can be awesome without icing. Icing on its own however is just kinda... meh.

Musing (Rambling)

So I have this tendency to just kind of sit and sigh and think about the relationship I'm in. (happy sigh! Happy siiiigh!). And I just really get to thinking about certain aspects of it, how it works, how it hasn't worked for me in the past, etc. (Oh hey, look my grammar doesn't care today... starting sentences with and...).

I realize as I get ready to write this, how weird it's going to sound, but I used to be the one in charge in a relationship. I didn't have to, you know, initiate sex - that's not what I mean. I mean I had to be the responsible one. Which wouldn't have been so bad, if I hadn't been the ONLY responsible one. I worked two jobs sometimes, lived off of rice for a month at a time, just to make sure that the rent and other such bills were paid. It wasn't fun, and it most likely was what led to a lot of my past breakups.

My current relationship is a lot more balanced. When my mind's mush and I can't really take on anything more, he's there to give me strength - and the opposite's true. This is proven already. But it gets me to thinking about things I don't really feel I need to come to a conclusion to - I just let my mind wander over 'em.

Like, does BDSM lend itself more to a kind of natural relationship balance? Is the extra open-ness, trust, and communication that's needed between a Dom and a sub something that simply makes it easier to have a healthy relationship outside scenes? Or is a relationship between two people who share a love of bdsm just as hit or miss as a vanilla relationship? I'd assume there's people out there (well, Doms specifically, since this is my point of view after all), that don't listen for crap. They do what they want and don't really respect and/or respond to their partner's needs or wants. Then you have something that's more abusive than anything else.

From what I've experienced of the Kink community however, there's some pretty open lines of communication amongst everyone. If you can talk to someone about the things that crop up mid-scene or shortly after - or even talking to people about fantasties you'd like to see come true, then I would imagine that it's easier to reach out to someone and get help.

But talking about kink isn't like talking about abuse. It's not easy. It's a shameful thing and it's really hard to talk about. A lot of time's the person being abused thinks they deserve it, or that it's not abuse, that it's the way a normal relationship is. And I'm sure there's people out there who think a bdsm relationship IS abuse, and complaining about it would be laughable.

If it feels like abuse though, it's Not bdsm. It's abuse. There's a damned bloody difference. I've been through both. Abuse made me feel small and worthless and alone. I wanted to die, to just get away from the supposed pain I had to be causing everyone else. It was horrible.

The relationship I have now is so much the opposite of that I don't even know where to begin. My Master makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful specialist perfectest person in the whole world! \o/ It's hard to try and describe it without making up words ^_^

Monday

Monday started off nice and easy, but then Master decided to queue up a video of a Japanese woman who was tied up in various outfits and fucked by strangers on a bus.

Needless to say it had the desired effect on me that I'm sure he was going for.

I don't remember much before he used the leather hogtie to secure me to a chair, but I'm sure Master's deft fingers teased the hell out of me. Just locking me into place on the chair had a serious effect. I could feel my entire body wake up - every little touch, breeze, thought, it was all on edge.

And then came the wand. Its haitus broken from Friday night. My welcome and now my farewell, Master drove me to the edge, blurring my mind, making my body yearn for the unavoidable orgasm that powerful vibrator commanded. When he stopped I nearly cried. I'm pretty sure I whimpered. I look forward to the day when I get to cum to that powerful vibrator, begging for it to stop as opposed to begging for release.

The video still played as he attended me, it was 3 hours long and I think I spent 2 secured to the chair.  Squirming, wet, distracted by the scene playing out before me, distracted from that by Master's attention. Struggling to watch the video and not lose myself so much to the sensation that I couldn't obey.

He painted dirty words on my flesh with chocolate, rewarded me with his cock down my throat, made me twitch and jump and shiver with suppressed nervous laughter as he dripped wax on my exposed body. The ache in my limbs was delicious, enough to remind me I was held fast, and light enough to not really hurt at all. The feel of the flog and wax distracted me, the building orgasms flooded over it. Cold water from icecubes sent my world in a different direction, everything came together to make the eventual orgasm(s) melt in such a way I'm not sure when the sensations ended and the orgasms began. But Master's words, his command, my body reacts to happily, and I want it no other way.

It's hard to describe a wonderful experience to someone who has never felt it. How do you relate the colors of the rainbow to a blind person? How do you describe the elation and trust and euphoria to someone jaded? I spent my entire life clumsy, feeling awkward and ugly as though everything I touched turned to filth and crumbled.

This lifestyle, that man, my world now is whole and beautiful and at peace. I don't remember when but I know at one point during my stay I just started crying. I wasn't sad, I was happy and a little afraid. I was so relieved to feel so wonderful that I didn't know how to handle it. I'd never been so at peace before, so happy, and my tears were relief - relief and fear that I would do something to destroy it all. That some flaw would bubble to the surface that wouldn't be forgiven.

And even if something like that does happen it's going to be okay. These moments, that weekend, if that's all I'm allowed to have I can accept that. To know what was missing in my life all these years, even if its fleeting, is incredible.  I have faith though - this isn't fleeting, it isn't something that was only going to happen once - this is my life now and I embrace it with all the joy and happiness I have <3

Sunday

I'm quite proud of myself with how Sunday started out. Master and I have spoken a lot about what we enjoy, visually, physically, etc (communication is key, after all), and so when I put together a "surprise" outfit for him I was pretty sure it was going to have the desired effects.

What do you know, it did. <3

It was a short christmas-y kind of dress that buttons all the way down the front, white thigh highs and heels I had to buy on my way to the airport because I couldn't find any >.> I didn't even have to ask and Master kept his eyes closed until I was standing in front of him, his reaction was worth every penny =D

After his initial reaction wore off the rope came out. He took his time tying me up and I reveled in every minute of it. Securing my arms behind my back he had me lay down on the couch and with quite a bit of length from my wrists to my ankles he tied both points up. The rope was snug the resistance was wonderful <3 I was wet and squirmy before anything else happened. I'd wanted to be tied up for Years, and this was a nice introduction to being restrained with -just- rope. The feel of it against my skin is so nice I'm almost tempted to go out and buy some and start practicing tying myself into a simple rope dress.

Out came a camera and the egg - I swear Master never misses a chance to drive me bonkers with that damned thing. (Heck, the egg might've come into play before the rope, things get kinda blurry once Master's in charge ^^; ). If the camera wasn't embarrassing enough he also started using a video camera, which had an effect I wasn't entirely expecting - it made me even hornier than I already was. At this point the sensations and actions all kind of glopped together, and forget trying to watch the video to jog my memory, Master played back some (or all) of what he recorded after the fact and I couldn't bring myself to watch it then.

I doubt I'd have much better luck now ^^;

The session was, I think, the shortest one we'd had up to that point (and possibly the entire weekend), but it was pretty intense. At least on my end, with the cameras and rope and such. I can close my eyes and see bits and pieces as short clips and pictures in my mind, I can hear his voice slipping in and out of the mewling moans and gasps he demands from my body. It's exhausting and I cling to him after each session like a tired swimmer, finding reprieve after treading water for hours.

And for the first time in my life, I feel whole. Completed not just by the man I trust and love, but by the moments and desires we share. There's no sense of wrong, or unnatural - rather it's a feeling that things are as they are. Right and proper and working as intended.

Saturday

Friday, in all its glory, was exhausting, and despite that I think I only slept like 3 or 4 hours. I'm not much for sleeping at night so it wasn't too surprising. I was simply too wide awake to go back to sleep. Saturday morning started out kinda lazy for me, but once Master woke up things started to move a bit more. We had a light breakfast, and then I got pampered in the shower again <3 (I tell you, I could get used to that >.> )

However, the shower didn't end in a relaxing way, it was time to use the shower enema kit Master'd bought (and installed). My feelings on that thing were, and still kinda are, mixed. It works great for cleaning things out, and after the first time it wasn't really uncomfortable. Just... a LOT of water. The most embarrassing part was bending over in the shower, though when Master busted out the lube and started teasing me with his fingers, I wasn't really focusing on much else.

Two times of being filled with water worked well, and it wasn't too surprising, I hadn't really eaten much either over the last 24 hours or so anyway. Once everything was clean it was onto the warm soft bed, rear still in the air. Master'd bought three sizes of plugs, the things looked like they'd come in a set - the design was similar they just got bigger and bigger. He started off (obviously) with the smallest.

Smallest my. ass. That thing felt huge! And it wasn't nearly as thick as Master is, so I wasn't too surprised when my ass didn't exactly welcome his cock some time later. I don't know if more lube was needed, or if I was too nervous, or if it was a mix of things. Becoming embarrassed about something is a kind of double-edged sword with me - everything is tingly and on edge, but at the same time it's really REALLY hard to relax. I am though of the school of thought that there's no such thing as too much lube.

Ever.

Fortunately I have a very patient and caring Master and when things weren't exactly going smoothly we moved onto other things, and my tensed rear end was given a reprieve. I'm not convinced I'm ever going to be able to take the biggest of those plugs, but Master seems to have faith we'll be able to work up to it ^_^ Barring that, I'm just looking forward to the day he can fill my ass without too much fuss before hand <3

Later that day was nice too, in-between the longer sessions we had begun a pattern of messing around. Cuddling and snuggling would randomly just turn into Master stripping me down and taking me in any various different ways. At one point he decided to play around with the rope he had and test out a simple rope dress. We learned two things from that - we were gonna need longer rope, and I have a rather pleasant reaction to rope against my skin. I'm not sure I could make it through an entire day wearing one of those >.> I am sure though, that at some point I'll find out one way or another ^_^;

And still, even though I had a hard time relaxing the only thing I can complain about are the nipple clamps from the day before =D Saturday was a nice day, we did run an errand or two and I think we went out to eat for at least one meal, so not the whole day was spent inside (or hey, more might've happened). Sunday was a different matter altogether though, and for lack of better way of putting it, I pretty much got what I'd "asked" for that day. <3

Friday

Getting off the plane was easy. My nerves were on edge, but the desire to be lost in the arms of my love was stronger than the fear of what may or may not happen between us. My flight had gotten in early, which didn't help the building nerves in the slightest, since now I had to sit, and wait.

And think while waiting.

The actual meeting was nice. We hugged, he bought me something to snack on since I was pretty hungry, and we headed into the parking deck. I knew a bit of what was to be expected ahead of time, but I think my mind tossed most of it out the window by the time we got to his car. I'm pretty sure there was small talk, but I stayed mostly focused on the tasty treat I was nomming away on.

Sitting in the car, a gift was given - a wireless vibrating egg and remote. One that required assembly so far as the batteries needing to be put in it. I was told after putting the batteries in that I would be putting the egg in. I struggled a bit to get it in without taking anything off, but that didn't last long.

"Might as well take the pants off, you don't get to keep them on anyway." Came the statement. A slight whimper was the reply, and the jeans came off. Admittedly, the egg goes in easier without the pants in the way. It was thicker than the rotor I had back home and was making itself well known without even being turned on. The word to remove my panties followed, and I got a towel in exchange.

Silly me, I put the towel -over- my lap, when I learned it was meant to go under me. Once I was settled in, as well as I could possible settle with only a shirt and sneakers on, the little egg whirred into life. Even in the pitch black of the night I was pretty convinced that everyone could see the red on my face, that there was no way I was keeping the calm exterior I was fighting to keep.

After a few moments I'm not even sure I was trying to keep a calm exterior. The egg had multiple settings, and Master seemed to just Love going through them. I tried to focus on anything but the whirring inside me, buildings, signs, other cars, small talk - anything. The entire ride I was afraid that he was going to randomly stop at some store and expect me to get out of the car the way I was. I wasn't even sure I'd be able to convince my legs to move let alone actually convincing the rest of me that I would be willing to go into said store.

Fortunately, we didn't stop anywhere between the airport as his place. Unfortunately, I did have to walk from the car up three flights up steps to his front door. It... wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Even though I was very wet the egg didn't just randomly fall out as I walked. He had me wait outside the door for a moment, and when the outside light shut off I had a pretty decent idea of what he meant to do.

He gave me something to lean against - him - and he pulled my shirt up over my head, and unsnapped my bra. I thought my whole body had exploded in little tingly sensations, and my mind started reeling with possible things he could have me do from that point. I don't even think I fully registered my admittance into the apartment until the door closed behind us. I took off my socks and shoes and found myself naked walking into a room with two tables. There was more in the room, granted, but at that point I wasn't really focusing on much except a squat table and it's longer brother.

The big table was covered with toys, and I knew that the smaller one was about to be covered in at least one toy. Every light touch Master gave me slipped through my entire body, the egg was still going but there was so much else it was hard to even register it. He slipped a very comfortable blindfold over my eyes and all I had left to focus on were the sensations.

Once Master put the cuffs on my wrists and ankles my world started to blur. The snug feel of the cuffs was amazing, the cool table at my back as long lengths of rope tying my shivering wet body against it, all of it crashed into my mind like a bowling ball. I was helpless, though not completely. My mind understood there were a couple ways I could end the session, and that that was my right - not something to be ashamed of. Even so I was lost in it all.

One flog was snappy and whip-like. The stretchy little bastard stung sharply, but the after effect left my skin tingly. The longer heavier one that followed it was different. The sting wasn't sharp, but the feel of it wasn't ignorable either, following behind it's little brother it took advantage of the shivering flesh. Between the egg inside, the resistance of the ropes, the embarassment of being open wide to someone else's eyes, all those added to the feel of the heavier flog as it came down on my pussy.

I think I could've cum to that.

I know at some point the mask came off. I know at some point I came, was kissed, caressed. Master help my head for me when my neck began to ache, his hands were warm and gentle and the kindnesses that he showed me while he played with me went above anything anyone had ever shown me before.

There was a wand at some point, a pointy wheel at another, and at some point I'm pretty sure I was trying to figure out how I could fit this squat little table into my own luggage. I have no idea how long the session lasted, I can't remember everything that happened, but aside from the nipple clamps I thoroughly enjoyed everything else. The feel of everything - physically, emotionally - it was all I could have ever hoped for.

And afterward, being wrapped up in Master's arms, sipping water, snuggling against his skin, shivering and wet and messy. Soft kisses on my forehead, deft fingers slipping through my hair, I hadn't even experienced something so gentle in any vanilla relationship.

I had known before then how deeply I'd felt about him. No one could have convinced me otherwise, and after the first night at his mercy, lost in his dominance, wrapped in his tender care, I knew. I love him, I trust him, and I know that in all things - in everything that I am, that I tried to hide, that no one else had ever accepted before - that he's there. I don't have to worry about what I say, or how I act, I don't have to be concerned that something will be too far out there, or too different. I can be me. 100% me.

There's no reason for anything to be hidden - I've already been laid bare. <3

List 3 of Many

Phobias - Things I don't even remotely want to try.


1. Needles. No way no how no kind. I don't care if I get roped into a medical scene, keep these things the hell away from me. I've had a fear of needles since I was a kid - and I don't mean "Oh I hate getting shots." No, I mean 3 orderlies have to hold me down for them to remove blood from my body for life saving tests. This is not happy fun times >.<

2. Blood. Of any kind. It doesn't really belong mixed in with anything in my opinion. Fake movie blood, no problem. Wounds, cuts, sore, stitches... probably best to keep out of the mix.

3. Spiders. Hell, we could safely just say bugs here and be good. Spiders however, are at the top of the list. I don't like bugs, I like spiders even less. And I don't even know why - Spiders eat the other bugs, I should love spiders. But alas, I do not. And those people that lay in a coffin full of worms for money - those fuckers are insane.

4. Speaking of coffins - Severely enclosed spaces. A cage with bars - fine. A box with a tiny hole - not fine.

5. Clowns. What can I say? It popped into my mind, so I'm including it. There's a lot of sexy cosplay options out there, and certain variation of clown-likeness is acceptable (like a harlequin for instance), but the good old fashioned Barnum and bailey? Nope. Either it's going to be too creepy, or I'm simply not going to be able to take anything seriously.

6. Medical settings - I don't mind playing nurse, but those sterile bright white environments with the tools laid out and the crinkly sheets... yeah, no. I've spent enough time in hospitals in my lifetime already, and there's nothing even remotely interesting and/or sexy about them.


And hm, for now that's it. If something else comes to mind I'll come back here and add it in =3

Emotional - Trust

I've tried to write a post on Trust, I don't know how many times now. Every time I get most of the way through it I realize I'm not coming across exactly how I mean. Then again, maybe that's how it works. Trust isn't something that works the same for everyone. For some it's tied into Love, for others it's a separate feeling. I can care for and love people that I don't exactly trust, but the people that I trust, I love.

I might go out of my way to help a friend by giving them a ride somewhere, but with a few rare exceptions, I wouldn't just give my car to someone on loan. For every situation there is a different way that I react given what level someone is on with me. I'm pretty sure this is the way it is for a lot of people.

I tried visualizing it. If Trust was something I could hold in my hand, what would it look like? That's... actually pretty easy for me, but then again I sat down and thought about it for a long time. Trust looks like a glass ball to me, and only the first inch or so is solid. Inside the ball is a network of finely spun and woven glass. It's protected by the thick outer layer, and also helps to reinforce it. As time goes on more glass flows through the interior, until eventually the ball is solid, and practically unbreakable.

But it's still made out of glass. It can chip, and crack, and given the right set of circumstances even break. Shattered into a million pieces its still possible to fix, but it will never be the same flawless elegant bauble that it was before. I'm a forgiving person, there's many people that I can be trusting of that I've actually gotten scolded for even being polite to.

Despite all this, the biggest issue I ran into with trying to post this was deciding which was more important when it came to a D/s relationship. Trust, or Love. In a slightly circular logic it's easiest to say that it depends on the person. Sometimes these things are interwoven, sometimes they're given different levels of importance.

I think, however, that as far as D/s relationships are concerned Trust is most important. Love, as wonderful powerful and awesome as it is, isn't what's needed in those situations. Those that we love are in a position to hurt us the most. From the greatest joy of love can come the worst sorrows we ever feel in our lives. The risk is worth it, don't misunderstand me. But love is blind and emotional and out of control, while trust is perfect in its vision, often ruled by knowledge and cold logic, and tempered by restraint.

I would much rather someone I trust be in control of my fate if I am bound and unable to do much about it, than love. But perhaps I am a bit jaded, and have been hurt and am a bit distrustful of Love. Mm, no.

I love my Master. I trust my Master. If not for these things, I wouldn't call him my Master ^_^