I realize as I get ready to write this, how weird it's going to sound, but I used to be the one in charge in a relationship. I didn't have to, you know, initiate sex - that's not what I mean. I mean I had to be the responsible one. Which wouldn't have been so bad, if I hadn't been the ONLY responsible one. I worked two jobs sometimes, lived off of rice for a month at a time, just to make sure that the rent and other such bills were paid. It wasn't fun, and it most likely was what led to a lot of my past breakups.
My current relationship is a lot more balanced. When my mind's mush and I can't really take on anything more, he's there to give me strength - and the opposite's true. This is proven already. But it gets me to thinking about things I don't really feel I need to come to a conclusion to - I just let my mind wander over 'em.
Like, does BDSM lend itself more to a kind of natural relationship balance? Is the extra open-ness, trust, and communication that's needed between a Dom and a sub something that simply makes it easier to have a healthy relationship outside scenes? Or is a relationship between two people who share a love of bdsm just as hit or miss as a vanilla relationship? I'd assume there's people out there (well, Doms specifically, since this is my point of view after all), that don't listen for crap. They do what they want and don't really respect and/or respond to their partner's needs or wants. Then you have something that's more abusive than anything else.
From what I've experienced of the Kink community however, there's some pretty open lines of communication amongst everyone. If you can talk to someone about the things that crop up mid-scene or shortly after - or even talking to people about fantasties you'd like to see come true, then I would imagine that it's easier to reach out to someone and get help.
But talking about kink isn't like talking about abuse. It's not easy. It's a shameful thing and it's really hard to talk about. A lot of time's the person being abused thinks they deserve it, or that it's not abuse, that it's the way a normal relationship is. And I'm sure there's people out there who think a bdsm relationship IS abuse, and complaining about it would be laughable.
If it feels like abuse though, it's Not bdsm. It's abuse. There's a damned bloody difference. I've been through both. Abuse made me feel small and worthless and alone. I wanted to die, to just get away from the supposed pain I had to be causing everyone else. It was horrible.
The relationship I have now is so much the opposite of that I don't even know where to begin. My Master makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful specialist perfectest person in the whole world! \o/ It's hard to try and describe it without making up words ^_^
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