The End of a Year

2011 was kind of crazy for me. I probably dated more people from 2010 to 2011 than I had in the last 6 or so years. I was looking for something, and in all honesty it wasn't a bdsm relationship. I wanted to be in one of those, don't get me wrong. The desire, the need, the want, it was there, I just was sure it wasn't going to be something I'd find.

What I had been searching for was something different. I wanted someone that I could share my life with, someone who could accept me - faults and all - and still want to wake up besides me every morning. I wanted to kiss someone and actually feel the sensation run through my body. My life had turned into accepting things, settling for what was okay even though I yearned for something more.

Something better. Greater.

I didn't full realize what all it was I wanted to find, all I knew was that age, distance, appearances - those things were pretty low on my list. The best looking men I'd ever had in my life had hurt me deeply; mentally physically emotionally. We're talking ten or so years ago, so I suppose I can be forgiven for being a little shallow. In their defense I didn't know what *I* wanted anyway, so it didn't help things.

Now, I've found what I've been looking for. 30 years, well, we'll take some time off that, 16 years I've been looking for someone to complete me. I've felt awkward and lost and incapable of fitting in since I was 14, if not before then. I had fear and shame and was sure there was no one who would both understand me, and accept me.

My hope for the new year is that the wonderful way this year ended will carry over. I hope I can explain to people the things that make this relationship awesome, maybe help alleviate some misconceptions, and lift the veil on misunderstandings. I hope I can write, and work, and continue being able to walk and such, and most of all I hope I can spend the year (and many there after) next to my Master ^_^ Because I've spent time alone, I know I'm strong enough to spend my life alone if that's what I have to do.

Honestly though, it's nice knowing you've got someone willing to sit on the porch and sip lemonade while the sun sets. Admittedly, I'm scared out of my mind that I'll do something to screw the whole thing up (oh god you talk about being a bundle of nerves!), but I'm sure it'll be okay. I can spazz out and ramble at high speeds, and I'm sure the response most of the time is going to be a pat on the head and a cookie XD <3

Piercings

I won't lie, I enjoy looking at porn. It helps my imagination when I want to think of a fantasy, it certainly doesn't hurt with getting in the mood for things, and pictorial or video doesn't matter either. What I've noticed lately is that there's a lot of artwork out there where the sub has nipple and clit piercings.

Now maybe I'm fixating on this fact or something, but it looks like every time I turn around I see it. I get the kind of symbolism behind it, don't get me wrong, but it aggravates me in a way. As if it's a requirement for a sub to have piercings to be a sub. I'm sure there's femdoms out there with the same piercings, and I'm doubly sure (since I am a sub) that there's subs out there without any piercings. I don't even have my ears pierced. It just bugs me, and when I did have my ears pierced as a kid I had all kinds of issues, infections, green ears, hard times getting earrings in, etc.

The more I see of it in drawings and videos the more I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Or not so much wrong as not completely right. It's like subliminal peer pressure, and the worst part is I've got such a horrible fear of needles that it's not something I can just go out and do or try.

All in all it's just aggravating, and it seems like I can't get away from it much anymore, which sucks because its a bit of a turn off for me. Live or animated or as a painting, I see those sensitive areas pierced and I just wince - whatever else is going on become irrelevant. v.v And really, it's no big deal, I know my Master isn't going to leave me just because I won't get piercings in odd places, I guess it's just the feeling of not being able to get away from the association that bugs me the most.

*wanders off into a corner and continues to grumble* <3

Happy holidays!

Here's hoping everyone has a wonderful safe and happy holiday! Feel free to be nutritionally irresponsible, and if you have a ride then perhaps wholly irresponsible is acceptable. Remember the reason for the season.

Good food, good friends, and good fun!

Though maybe some people's idea of such things varies a bit from my own...

Remember to leave out the milk and cookies, if the big guy doesn't show up at least your pet - wrapped up and waiting to be open in the morning I'm sure - will have something to snack on that night <3

*hums All I Want For Christmas is You* <3

Four Letter Words

Quite a while back I sent a text to my Master and told him I missed him. I started musing on that word, and how words that are only four letters can hold so much meaning and have such a small impact on a piece of paper. Or even to be spoken. I'd actually wrote down a lot of what I had thought at that time, but since misplaced the notes. Which is fine, the idea is still in my head, and writing it down a second time won't hurt.

I realize, there's a LOT of four letter words (I've used quite a few already, if you haven't noticed). But there's ones that just have such an impact.
Love
hate
help
evil
miss
hope
fear
hurt
harm
gone
here
ever
give
take

There's just so much to them, and they're words that can have many meanings too. From negative to positive, you can't really put them in one category or another. 'Evil' can be just as playful as anything, 'fear' can be an emotion used to enhance others - pleasure and pain both. Hurt and harm are pretty straight forward, but there's many ways to effect someone with either of those. Skinning my elbows hurts, feeling sad hurts my heart, getting snapped with the flog hurts, but all three of those are completely different kinds of hurt. And while I tend to see hurt as something reversible and harm as something that's not, most people tend to use those words interchangably.

You can give love, take love, hurt love, harm love, twist, beat, maim, and even break it. Love compels you to defense, protection, gives you a sense of self-worth and fear. It is, I think,  the single most powerful emotion. Those we love, we trust. They have the greatest ability to bring us the greatest of elation and the worst of sorrows. Libraries have entire floors dedicated to that one single emotion. Books upon books, from religious texts to sappy children's poems, the power of love invades them all. Billions of words written on the matter, and it's such a small almost inconsequential word.

Hate, sadly, is likely second only to the idea of love. It comes in as many levels and strengths as love, but unlike love it usually destroys the person consumed by it. There's no much outside assistance needed when it comes to this particular word. It's a very exhausting emotion too, I've always joked that I don't have the energy to hate anyone, and in my life I've probably dealt with people that I have the right to feel that way towards.

But all that stems from the simple fact that my Master isn't here now, and that's what I want more than anything. As an adult I understand that I need to wait for certain things to happen before I can have what I want. As a woman in love I understand that I need to wait for certain things to happen before I can have what I need. As an increasingly saddened love struck fool I'm thinking I should get a second job to move things along a little faster XD

Location, Location, Location

Remember the story Green Eggs and Ham? And the fellow who could not, would not, eat them anywhere? Yeah. I'm kind of that guy's opposite when ti comes to where I'm willing to do a scene.

Boat, house, bard, yard, pool, bar, hospital, dungeon, living room, closet, shower, bed, porch, car, park, club, etc. My only two stipulations are no innocent children, and little to no chance in getting thrown in jail for it.

And the location doesn't HAVE to be authentic. I don't need an actual hospital to play "doctor". (Though I do have this somewhat twisted desire to be horribly taboo and naughty within the walls of a monastary >.>) We have nude beaches (and beach isn't the place to have sex, please play responsibly), it'd be awesome to have nude adult parks or trails.

Certain scenes - such as the naughty school girl - really shouldn't be done in an actual school. College campus maybe, and hell on some you could have at and no one would even bat an eye. Pool scenes shouldn't involve sex in the water itself, stuff makes for a really bad lubricant, and can lead to infections (same with beach sand). Leave stuff like that in the hentais where they belong.

Cars should be in park (or in parks), and motorcycles are only safe as background props - kick stands aren't THAT sturdy. Bicycles don't work in my mind, but I'm sure I could find some fun uses for bicycle racks.

In international waters you can be more devious, but so can everyone else, keep that in mind before taking the boss' yacht out for a spin.

The risk of getting caught does add something to a scene, but be sure to remember that even the most secluded and intimate scene can be the most intense. And if both people aren't comfortable outdoors there are many indoor options (or at the least, less risky outdoor ones). Keep in mind the concept of nosy neighbors, maybe a taller backyard fence is in order, or higher hedges.

Elevators are another "fun" place, as an ex-security guard though, let me offer some advice - Most have cameras. Some that feed to more than one place, and honestly, unless you get stuck in one, they never move slow enough to have any real fun in.

-:- The Tape -:- (Chapter 1)

Chapter 1

Her mind wasn’t awake, but her body was. Ugh, mornings sucked. Mornings after a long night of… of… hrm. What had happened last night anyway?

Rolling onto her side, she glanced at the clock. 2pm.

Wait.

“Holy crap!” She sat bolt upright. Her mind began to catch up with the rest of her and she noticed quite a few things all at once.

She was naked except for her collar and wrist and ankle cuffs. There were a lot of toys with her on the bed, both under and on top of the blankets. Whatever happened last night she cursed her memory a thousand times over that she couldn’t remember.

Wands, vibrators, rotors, tape, flogs of various sizes and materials, nipple clamps – she looked down and checked that those wicked things hadn’t ripped hers off. She was surprised to see there was rope lying around, Master was really good about rolling it back up.

Oh, and a tag on the bottom of the TV that simply read “Play”.

Looking around she noticed the VCR remote next to her. With a shrug she clicked the TV on and hit play.

Her face went red almost instantly as her very horny self came into view. There were at least two other people, her Master – who was in the process of tying her up to the bed face down and her ass high in the air due to all the pillows under her hips – and the camera man.

He was careful not to let the rope actually touch her skin, as he tied her legs wide and her arms straight out from her shoulders. As she watched herself on the TV it became apparent the wireless rotor was in her pussy, and her ass was filled with the small plug.

Her Master was fully clothed, but that wouldn’t last. She couldn’t remember who the second person was, there was talk on the tape, but the volume was soft. She turned it up just in time to hear the crack of the flog against her ass. Both versions of her jumped. She could feel herself getting wet already, the video version of her was already soaked to the point of practically dripping.

On camera she was begging for more, sticking her ass out as best she could. On the bed she was squirming, trying to pull her eyes away from the video, too embarrassed to watch, too curious to turn it off.

The flog painted her ass red, sending shivers through her body as she watched. Her Master’s hands roamed over her skin, lighting little sparks of pleasure.

The camera man clicked a remote, the rotor stuffed inside the whore on the screen came to life, making her shiver with delight. Her Master’s hand seemed to randomly decide to either tease her clit or soundly smack her ass. Her yelps of surprise mixed well with the pleasurable moans.

Yes he made her feel good no matter what he did to her. She was his whore, his pet, his twisted little pain slut, and his very horny toy all in one.

He leaned down and whispered something in her ear, but as she watched, she couldn’t remember what it was. Then it came on screen. The wand.

“My friend wants to hear you cum, pet.”

She watched the wand press against her clit. She felt her body jolt as it whirred into life. Please tore through her as she watched, panting as the TV version of her moaned and begged and pleaded to be allowed to cum.

The camera panned to her face, instantly both versions of her went beet red.

“Keep your eyes on the camera pet, stay focused on it and cum for your Master.”

It was barely a breath after his command and the tied up slut on the screen came hard and loud. Her position shoved the rotor out of wet sopping pussy, the vibrations still audible as she came down from her first orgasm.

“Good girl.”

She nearly came sitting on the bed, just from hearing him say that. The ball gag came out, big and shiny and red, he tightened it into place. The wand was taken from the picture, and a smaller wired rotor was taped just above her clit. She could cum from it, but it wouldn’t happen as fast.

As it purred to life, buzzing against her body, the reason for the gag became apparent as wax dripped onto her body. He covered her liberally, the rotor and the wax trapping her body squarely between pleasure and pain.

The rotor clicked off, the wax stopped. Her mind was hazy, she wasn’t grasping the words in the video. She was laying on her back, legs spread, playing with her clit, panting and watching the show laid out before her.

“A squirmy toy for a squirmy pet.” The words rang in her mind more of memory than of actually hearing them on the screen. The pink thrusting vibrator was pushed into her greedy, needy pussy. Two long strips of tape keeping it in place.

As it sprung to life out came the bite of the snappy flog. It bit at the back of her thighs, her calves, as the evil vibe invaded her sensitive wet hole. Her muffled cries were the perfect mix of pleasure and pain, frustrated about the distraction from her pleasure. Her body tensed and she screamed as the flog snapped on the soles of her feet. She twisted and writhed as it licked at her arms. She moaned and panted when he stopped, letting the thrusting vibe bring her back to the brink of another orgasm before he turned it off.

Her and her TV self both nearly sobbed. A sharp smack to her ass, a firm reminder that she wasn’t supposed to pout, she was supposed to enjoy however her Master decided to use her. The tone of her voice as she apologizes is dripping with the pleasure her mind is swimming in.

The plug is slowly removed from her ass, and her Master takes his time, working more lube into her hot, tight hole, before slowly pushing the medium sized plug in. He purrs for her to relax, teasing her clit with his free hand to help keep her unfocused.

As it slips into place he calls her a good girl, that phrase – that tone – that just makes her melt.

The thrusting vibe is removed swiftly, the rotor taped to her clit comes back to life with a vengeance as her Master’s cock (when did he strip? Oh Lord…) filled her pussy in one full move.

She nearly came while watching and she was pretty sure her TV self did. Panting, trembling, blushing, and soaking wet she hit stop on the remote. She couldn’t take much more, the toys were all around her, she could use them, but it wouldn’t feel the same. They weren’t what she desired. She wanted him, needed him.

“You haven’t watched the whole thing, pet.” He said slyly, standing in the doorway. Even with as soft as he’d spoken she jumped from the sound.

She got on her hands and knees, crawling to the edge of the bed, nuzzling his hand as his fingers wove themselves into her hair. A strong tug pulls her up to her knees, her body held tight against his.

“Sorry Master, I needed to stop, for just a moment. I wanted you, I didn’t want to cum without you here.” She admitted, her fingers closing gently on his shirt. Her body was on edge, and needy, and his iron grip on her hair did nothing but exacerbate her position. The smile that slipped across his face made her breath catch for a moment.

“You were a very good girl last night, pet.” He assured her. He released his grip and handed her a drink. “A very good, wet, messy pet. Drink up, we’ll start it back up after you finish that,” he explained, stripping down as she drank, “And have had a shower.”

I'd worry

But let me be honest, I don't really care.

And about what? Well, my Master's voice has quite the profound effect on me. I can hear it while I'm alone masturbating, squirming and riding that edge just a little bit longer than I used to. I can feel the warmth of his breath on my neck, as though he's circling around me, enjoying the show, whispering the commands that are just so easy to follow. I miss actually hearing him, I miss actually feeling his touch or having his presence be something more than part of my very strong imagination.

Long distance does that, but far apart doesn't last forever.

What worries me, slightly, is that when I can't conjure the sound of his voice, when I can't close my eyes and get lose in some random fantasy in which he's a part of, I can't cum. Now, I have an excellent imagination, I do, this isn't something that happens often. It's not like I go days and days without release (unless of course I'm under orders not to cum to begin with), but it's more like I fall asleep because I'm exhausted from trying to cum, as opposed to being exhausted from cumming.

Before now it's always felt... well, less awesome, cumming in an empty room, as opposed to orgasming around him. The phone helps, just knowing he's there in a way is better than nothing. It does leave a girl wanting though, believe you me.

I'd say maybe I'm getting less horny in my uh, "old" age, but at the same time I'm not worried about that. The desire, drive, need, etc is all still there, but it's more like the trigger for the shot isn't in my hands anymore. I don't know if this is just something that happens between a Master and pet, or if it's because of certain aspects. Maybe I'm just that kind of sub, maybe he's just that kind of dom - I've got to admit I don't have enough knowledge regarding either role to know if this sort of thing is even normal. If it's a phase, permanent, if it'll get "worse" or "better", etc.

And really, I can't bring myself to complain. Pout, maybe, just a little, but not complain. <3