The End of a Year

2011 was kind of crazy for me. I probably dated more people from 2010 to 2011 than I had in the last 6 or so years. I was looking for something, and in all honesty it wasn't a bdsm relationship. I wanted to be in one of those, don't get me wrong. The desire, the need, the want, it was there, I just was sure it wasn't going to be something I'd find.

What I had been searching for was something different. I wanted someone that I could share my life with, someone who could accept me - faults and all - and still want to wake up besides me every morning. I wanted to kiss someone and actually feel the sensation run through my body. My life had turned into accepting things, settling for what was okay even though I yearned for something more.

Something better. Greater.

I didn't full realize what all it was I wanted to find, all I knew was that age, distance, appearances - those things were pretty low on my list. The best looking men I'd ever had in my life had hurt me deeply; mentally physically emotionally. We're talking ten or so years ago, so I suppose I can be forgiven for being a little shallow. In their defense I didn't know what *I* wanted anyway, so it didn't help things.

Now, I've found what I've been looking for. 30 years, well, we'll take some time off that, 16 years I've been looking for someone to complete me. I've felt awkward and lost and incapable of fitting in since I was 14, if not before then. I had fear and shame and was sure there was no one who would both understand me, and accept me.

My hope for the new year is that the wonderful way this year ended will carry over. I hope I can explain to people the things that make this relationship awesome, maybe help alleviate some misconceptions, and lift the veil on misunderstandings. I hope I can write, and work, and continue being able to walk and such, and most of all I hope I can spend the year (and many there after) next to my Master ^_^ Because I've spent time alone, I know I'm strong enough to spend my life alone if that's what I have to do.

Honestly though, it's nice knowing you've got someone willing to sit on the porch and sip lemonade while the sun sets. Admittedly, I'm scared out of my mind that I'll do something to screw the whole thing up (oh god you talk about being a bundle of nerves!), but I'm sure it'll be okay. I can spazz out and ramble at high speeds, and I'm sure the response most of the time is going to be a pat on the head and a cookie XD <3