I got a few books in the mail today. I'm going to cover at least two of them in a later post (after a break for some more in-depth reading), but flipping through them, and specifically reading the parts about safety, my mind started to wander.
I began to think about my initial concept of BDSM, how there were parts that were confusing to me, awkward, and just plain weird. I had an interest in the rope part of it, of being bound and controlled as much as I could trust someone to control me. The only concept of sub and Dom that I had any understanding of was a full-time one. The concept of scenes, equality outside said scenes, and even safewords weren't things I knew about. I believed that the pain had to be endured as a pay off to the inevitable orgasm.
Because of the taboo-ness of the subject and the overall "Woman power!" vibe that runs in my family, I was afraid to even admit I had these curiosities, nevermind actually getting books to look into them and learn more. I picked up bits and pieces of information as the internet became more mainstream (yes, I had my curiosity even before Teh Net!), and had a hard time separating fantasy from truth. After a few years I'd decided doms in general scared the shit out of me, but males less so than females.
About three or four, or five years ago I pretty much figured that bdsm was, itself, going to be nothing more than fantasy in my life and I should accept that and move on. The desire was there, so was the curiosity, and the ability to get incredibly horny just watching kink videos. But none of it was going to happen to me, so I didn't need to read into it anymore than I already had.
Of course, all that changed when I met my Master. I learned more about the concepts and lifestyles of a BDSM relationship. The variables, the many layers to it, the outside conceptions vs. the intimate conceptions. The differences between hurt and harm, between abuse and bdsm, between scenes and relationships. I learned more, and became more enamored with the concept of it all, in 2 weeks of conversation vs. YEARS of assumptions and theories.
I'm still learning, hell, I'll probably still be learning years from now. Honestly? That's one of the best parts in my opinion. The mind should never stop learning, growing, absorbing, theory crafting, debating, etc. Vanilla love is pretty simple - tab c into slot p to put it simply. There's nothing wrong with it either, it can be spontaneous, powerful, full of trust and love, just as much as a bdsm relationship can. There's just not as much variety. I've never walked into a vanilla house and noticed bolts on the ottoman, or bondage rings hiding as "decorations" on book shelves.
Even with some of the scenes I've experienced, the raw emotions, the "degrading" dirty talk, the mush-mind orgasms, I have to say, bdsm stimulates me more intellectually than any relationship I've ever had prior. The inventiveness of it, the fact that I don't have to hide all the devious twists and turns in my mind, it's stimulating, invigorating, freeing, and above all, it's beautiful. Being able to completely be myself, and STILL be accepted, being able to trust completely and relax under someone else's control, it overwhelms me sometimes and I cry. You know, those really heavy happy tears that still make people worry anyway XD
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