Tangled (Ramblings)

I am not poly-amorous. Or, at the very least, I don't think I am. I can care about many people in a strong capacity, but there is always one that will be most important to me. I suppose, the best way to start this off, is that is simply just the way that I am.

My Master has consumed my thoughts from long before I even said anything to him. His voice, his opinions, his sense of humor, and even the way he interacted with other people. There was something about him that drew me to him. Taken as I was at the time, I did my best to ignore the feelings that were building inside me. I tried to tell myself that it was foolish to be enamored with someone else even if I wasn't completely happy where I was. The more I got to know him, however, the stronger the pull. I found myself looking forward to him signing on, I wanted to be a part of all the things he did - just to hear his voice for a moment longer.

One day, quite out of the blue, it struck me - I had fallen in love with him.

The details, I suppose, aren't terribly important. The feeling is, or rather, the feelings are what's important. The circumstances are irrelevant, the locations are pointless, the truth is simple - I want to be by his side. Whether it be in a homeless shelter, or a mansion. Whether it's as his equal or his possession; alone or part of a harem - I do not care.

Perhaps such thoughts are foolish - maybe in the end I will only be hurt proportinate to the amount I feel toward him right now.

Yet, even so, the risk is worth it. I'm happy, and afraid. Curious, and worried. I yearn, and dream, and sometimes I worry my heart might just burst with every word that is spoken. Even the silence that lingers between us has a strength to it. I wonder if I ever loved before now, worry if I'll never love this strongly again - and hope that I never need worry.

More accurately, my understanding of love has changed. I know my position, I know his, and I don't know what I expect. I don't know how I'll react - will I become jealous when the facts linger in front of my eyes? Am I so shallow that my words and resolutions will crumble when push comes to shove? Will I dive into a BDSM lifestyle only to find that I hate it? These fears sit in the back of my mind, relentless. Indismissable. Perhaps only time will answer them, but I know the outcome I hope for - the one I will fight for.

Win or lose, the risk is, however, worth it.

To me, at least ^_^